Some of you may have realised that I haven’t uploaded a blog in quite some time. I can only apologise for my absence but I’m sure most of you, if not all of you, will understand. In a quick synopsis: I’ve been on holiday to Spain, I’ve passed my driving test, Christmas happened, I’ve upped my working hours and I’m currently looking to buy a car.
That’s what I call, adulting.
Besides the reality of life, and finding that normal again. The main reason why I haven’t been able to write a blog is because I can’t. Ironic since this one will have been published. Let me explain… just after I finish my treatment and returned from proton beam radiotherapy I started this blog to document what I’ve been through and to tell my story to others. It was a way of branching out, and reaching to people who may have been through similar times. I achieved just that, I’ve reached out to you. Twitter is my main way of interacting with you all and I can’t tell you just how lovely you all are. It means a lot to me.
However, after a year has flown by, a few months of me not uploading a blog. I’ve come to the realisation that it’s easy for me to talk about what I’ve been through and my cancer diagnosis story, it’s easy for me to put on that brave face as that was the normal for me. I felt like I was living in a fast forward momentum where your mental health is lagging behind because your physical health is in desperate need of all your attention. But, my mental health has finally caught up with me… I’ve noticed that I find it extremely difficult to actually be alone with my memories. Just me, and the memories. Whether it’s something stupid that I remember, for instance, I had a split second memory of my mum bringing me breakfast in the morning, just before she went to work, because she knew that I had to eat something before I took all twelve of my tablets. And that split second of a memory was just enough to send me to a surge of tears.
The memory hurts. It hurts to remember. It seems though, that I can’t help when these memories keep creeping up on me. I’m not asking to remember them. I thought if I chucked away everything that was a reminder, I would stop thinking of my time when I was unwell with lymphoma. Alas, it doesn’t matter because I don’t need to look at a reminder to go back to those memories… it just happens.
In my mind, I feel that I have accepted what’s happened to me. But maybe I’m wrong.
It’s hard to talk about these feelings with close family and friends as I don’t always want someone who sympathises with me. I don’t need someone to tell me that it’s alright. I just need to be. I’m not sure if that makes much sense… when someone hasn’t been through what you’ve been through, it’s almost like they look at you with big sorry eyes. Yet, I don’t feel sorry for myself so why are they feeling sorry for me? I know people mean well and I don’t blame them at all, we’re just doing what we can and that’s all we can do.
Anyway, I felt like I needed to write this blog as a sort of therapy. Moving forward, I’m not sure how much I will write on my cancer diagnosis anymore. How would you feel if I rebranded? I feel like I’m much more than my cancer diagnosis, I have a lot of hobbies and interests. I like poetry, art, photography, graphic design. Recently I just transformed the interior of my bedroom which I would love to write about. So maybe a rebrand is in the future…
Stay tuned. Lots of love.